By: UCLA Disabled Anonymous
The news has been full of negativity lately. Therefore, everyday, I make a point of flipping through the news headlines to find one that makes me smile or giggle just to remind me that there’s good news out there, too. A couple of days ago, a headline stopped me in my tracks...and not for the right reasons.
The headline said, “Bride doesn’t want wheelchair-bound father to escort her down the aisle”. I opened the article because I had convinced myself that I needed to give this woman the benefit of the doubt, and that if I had kept scrolling I’d just hate her from my gut reaction without hearing her side of the story.
For a little background, this woman posted her story on a sub-Reddit called “Am I The A**hole” (AITA); a popular place for people seeking moral guidance. Her post was titled “AITA for not wanting my dad to ‘walk me down the aisle because he’s in a wheelchair?”
And honestly, this goes about as well as you think it does.
Go ahead a peruse the post below:
About three years ago my dad was injured in a really bad hit and run car accident. He broke just about every bone in his body, and left him paralysed from the waist down. Our relationship has always been really good, but I hate seeing him in pain and admittedly try to avoid seeing him because it just makes me uncomfortable.
In November I’m getting married. I’ve been with my fiancé for 4 years and he and my dad get on really well. Naturally the discussion of who was going to give me away came up in the family group chat, and I kept silent after I realised my dad would be in a wheelchair. We always talked about him giving me away and having a dance at my wedding and I don’t want to be reminded of what could’ve been at my wedding. I messaged my mom privately and told her I want my uncle to walk me down the aisle as we’re incredibly close.
She naturally asked why and I told her that my dad being in a wheelchair would add complications to the wedding. The walkway would have to be widened to accommodate his wheelchair and he wouldn’t be able to hold my arm or give me a proper hug. She was outraged, called me an ableist POS and removed me from the group chat. My aunt has since called me telling me my dad is absolutely devastated. AITA?
Oookay. I’m sure your stomach is churning and your mind is racing, but let’s break this down.
First and foremost, we can acknowledge that her father was in a relatively recent car accident resulting in a spinal cord injury (SCI). Adjustment to an injury like this is a life-changing experience and the individual and those close to them are affected in very personal ways. Personally, I don’t condone the sentiment that she tries “to avoid seeing him because it just makes [her] uncomfortable”. However, I can understand that she is experiencing a difficult transition. I think this is something she should discuss with him because avoidance can only be sending the wrong message to her father.
The next part that jumped out at me is “I realised my dad would be in a wheelchair...I don’t want to be reminded of what could’ve been at my wedding”. As a person who uses a wheelchair, this one stung. The idea that she associates wheelchair use with the idea her wedding won’t be as good is not only hurtful, but ridiculous. She specifically notes what would be affected, “him giving [her] away and having a dance at my wedding”. Let’s be clear. People in wheelchairs can give their daughters away and dance. Wheelchair dancing is a thing. This happens. Go ahead and Google it. I don’t know why she thinks it’s not.
The post gets really dicey when she specifies that “a wheelchair would add complications to the wedding. The walkway would have to be widened...and he wouldn't be able to hold [her] arm or give [her] a proper hug.” Okay, honestly, I snickered a little here. Of all the life complications a wheelchair brings she’s chosen to specify “widening the walkway”... Seriously, I want to know what kind of elaborate walkway she has planned that results in widening it being an insurmountable task. Personally, I’d be more concerned about wheelchair accessible bathrooms in the venue. Also, people in wheelchairs hug. I cannot stress this enough. Honestly, we should all hug more (maybe not during the pandemic though). I don’t know what she means by “a proper hug”. She needs better huggers in her life, clearly.
I mentally cheered at the next bit when she stated “[her mom] was outraged, called me an ableist POS [‘piece of s**t’] and removed me from the group chat”. This made me really wonder why she would turn to the internet for feedback when her own mother called her out already.
As a semi-ambulatory wheelchair user with a partner who is a quadriplegic wheelchair user, accessibility is inherent in our everyday lives. There has never been a question of making any activity we do accessible and, of course, it’s just part of our normal routine. Wedding wheelchair accessibility has been discussed in depth, not only for ourselves, but among our wheelchair using friends and colleagues. It has always been a question of “how” to be accessible, never of “if”. Wheelchair accessibility at a wedding, or any activity really, not only benefits a wheelchair user, but an aging guest who has a walker, a baby stroller, a food cart, and also just creates a better flow for ambulatory individuals too.
I beg the able-bodied world to remember that able-bodied life isn’t the only valid existence and disability isn’t necessarily a detriment to quality of life. It’s just different. I wish this woman had had a strong enough relationship with her father to discuss with him her own feelings and what she was going through instead of bottling it up, making hurtful assumptions and conclusions, and going to the internet for what turned out to be merciless backlash.
The more I reflect on her post, the more my heart sinks, not from the content so much as the reminder that there are many people in our world who view the disabled population as she does… something to avoid and a burden to cater to. As I flipped through the comments, however, (which are locked now because of the extreme responses that were coming in) I was glad to see many people who tried to remind her to be thankful that her dad is alive and that disabled people are people too.
Lastly, she later added the following update to the post, “Not that I owe it to anyone but I thought I’d give you all an update. My boyfriend and I have decided to part ways and ive apologised to my dad”. While some petty part of me feels like this is a just end to this tale, I really just want to hope that she can build a good relationship with her father and embrace not just him, but all the amazing things that the disabled community has to offer. In times like these of extreme strife and judgment, I hope we see these not as opportunities to spread hate but as opportunities to educate and embrace. It’s our responsibility as good citizens to be willing to both teach others and open to learning from others.
Originally Posted: 30 June 2020