By: Megan Borella
Dating. Finding the someone attractive. Raising families. These are all things we disabled people do, despite what many may think.
We still have very normal, human wants and needs, and our various disabilities are not enough to overcome more base desires that are part of everyone's DNA. Forget whatever you saw in that movie, or what that character from a TV show told you, because odds are they probably got it wrong. The romantic lives of the disabled are grossly underrepresented, as well as shockingly misrepresented in the mainstream media.
While actively engaging in the dating world is something the majority of people with disabilities do, our first impressions of a romantic partner are not always what you might imagine. We are often attracted to people based on more than just their physical appearance, as other characteristics intrigue many of us far more. I can't speak for all forms of disability, but I'd say I have a pretty good grasp of the blind side of things.
Appearance isn’t information those of us without sight can ascertain without the help of friends. Meeting a guy when in the company of others is ideal, as they can give me a better read on him either through text or after the encounter. Many times this is not the case, so I must make those initial judgments on my own. And anyway, no level of hotness can ever make up for a bad personality or uninteresting conversation.
Other factors you wouldn't consider as much play a big part in first impressions: a distinct scent, a noticeable accent, even height. I can generally tell from someone's voice about how tall they are, and if they are guiding me somewhere, perceiving that is even easier. I can also appreciate a good cologne, but anything too strong is a turnoff. These are all based on my personal preferences, and do not reflect those shared by the majority of people.
Inevitably, my first impressions of any person are mainly related to what they say and how they act. Did they hold a door for me? How verbal are they in their descriptions? Do they put effort into learning how best they can help me? Are the questions they ask thoughtful and authentic, or do they merely fall back on stereotypes of blindness? Many questions—particularly those regarding how I navigate and use technology—are good, valid questions that unfortunately get very repetitive; I greatly appreciate much more original inquiries.
When dating someone with differing abilities from your own, there will always be a learning curve, one that is present in any relationship, whether someone who is disabled is involved or not. But when a disability does come into play, there's more to consider far earlier on.
You can tell pretty quickly from a first impression whether someone will catch on or not, as well as their level of interest in learning. This is pretty easy to discern based on someone's level of engagement and what they think to ask about. Additionally, there's a fine line between just the right amount of questions and too much of a focus on the disability rather than the individual. And if you're talking to a disabled individual and you feel uncomfortable or out of your depth, we'll pick up on it pretty quickly and probably won't find it attractive. Being nervous is one thing, but being in a constant state of discomfort after an hour-long conversation is a deal breaker. At least for me, I know that if you've never been exposed to someone with a disability, it can be an adjustment, so I'm more than willing to work around that and be patient. But if you initially come across as very awkward or uncomfortable, or you don't seem able to adapt quickly and be flexible, I won't be particularly impressed and you'll have a hard time digging yourself out of that hole.
Originally Posted: 25 November 2019